During my junior year at Pepperdine University I pledged a sorority named Alpha Phi. A major perk of being in a sorority were all the social events, especially formal. Formal was the “fanciest” and most extravagant of them all. Since this was my first formal, I really had no clue what to expect. More importantly, I didn’t know who to invite. As expected, I waited till the very last minute to consider my options and then freaked out because I literally hadn’t prepared at all for this occasion. So here I am 10 days till formal and still I haven’t asked anyone to be my date.
My “big” (someone who guides you during your sorority years) suggested I invite this guy she knew. He was this incredibly handsome guy! Your classic 6 foot, blonde, blue eyed hunk. Seemingly smart, well mannered, and a part of the Pepperdine elite.
Panicked and still dateless, I muster up all the courage in the world to ask this guy to my fall formal. I bought some of the best German beers I could find (since I’m German and he studied abroad in my hometown) and left him a German flag with “FORMAL?” written on it in front of his house.
Instantly, I regretted my courage to do something of this level of stupidity. I kept thinking to myself how dumb this idea was, especially since I’ve never met him! He’s going to think I’m a creep, or that I’m desperate, or worse – he’s going to feel obligated to go even though he won’t want to. But a couple hours later he leaves me a voicemail letting me know how excited he was to see the beer and would love to be my date.
It’s Saturday morning of the formal. I had picked my dress and shoes, had my make up done and really didn’t know how to medicate my anxiousness and lack of self-esteem, except by having a drink. Sadly it didn’t stop at one drink… I literally filled my plastic Starbucks Venti cup with a bottle of wine and guess who drank it? Yup that’s right, me!
My mind was racing. Racing with thoughts of: What if he doesn’t like me? I’m not nearly as pretty as his ex. What if we have nothing to talk about? What if this is hella awkward? I had so much self doubt and worst case scenarios running through my mind that I decided to ruin the evening before it even began. How did I do that, you ask? Well let me tell you all about it! I decided to take some shots of jaeger at his house while pregaming with the entire crew before formal. Then I proceeded to hide tiny mini bar whiskey bottles in my dress. Side note: Pepperdine is a dry campus = no drinking allowed.
I wish that would have stopped my drunk ass from trying to sneak alcohol unto the party bus. Unfortunately, it didn’t. So when my date and I were trying to get on the bus and our chaperons were checking our bags for liquor, I dropped the whiskey bottle from my dress! Literally, I placed one foot unto the bus and it fell straight through my dress and hit the floor. Drunk and mortified I stood there trying to beg the chaperon to let us get unto the bus. She shut me down and simply denied us access.
I wish that was the last of it. But it got even worse! After sitting in our school cafe trying to figure out what to do, we decide to walk back to his place and watch a movie. Keep in mind, I’m faded! I can barely walk, let alone remember the conversation. So we walk these 2 kilometers to his house, and in order to get there, we have to walk over this hill. The hill is covered in weeds and thorns and I somehow fall off of the path and tumble down this hill straight into the weeds and thorns. My legs are all scratched up, my hair is crazy and I can’t even free myself from the thorns that have caught my fall.
Let’s talk about a great first impression. A drunkie who has liquor minibar bottles falling from her panties, and doesn’t even make it to her formal. Icing on the cake? She rolls down a hill caught by thorns and weeds.
During my next therapy session, I walked my therapist through my ruined night. I seemingly laughed it off, but it was during that hour that I realized how incredibly insecure I was. Here I was, a girl who solo backpacked through freaking Southeast Asia (and INDIA) at 21 years old and I was scared. Hell, even mortified, about what some random, (cute, but still random) guy thought of me! More than anything it was sad. It was sad that I put this random guy on a pedestal, neglecting what I thought. And giving him full privilege to determine and judge what my worth was.
You are worthy! More worthy than you could imagine. You deserve amazing, heck INCREDIBLE things. You deserve a good man. You deserve to be genuinely cared for and loved. Someone who boosts your confidence and treats you with respect!
But here is something I had to learn, and something I still am having to learn.
This movie line always stuck with me “We accept the love we believe to deserve.” How profound is that? If you think you are unlovable, you will settle for someone who treats you poorly. If you think you are ugly, you will let someone verbally abuse you. The list goes on. Your dating life 100% reflects what you believe about yourself to be true. It’s not only your dating life that is affected by your belief about yourself, but every other aspect of your life. That means your job, your education, your finances, your friends, your family, your happiness, your desires etc. They all are simultaenously affected by what you determine your self worth to be.
I share this embarassing story with you to shine a light on self sabotage and low self esteem. I believe it’s a major reason as of to why I am still single. God has been continuously working on my heart and reaffirming me that I am lovable. Reaffirming that I am worthy, that I am important and that I need to be careful with my heart. For my heart determines the course of my life. More importantly he has been helping me find validation in him instead of from my environment or from people. Low self esteem is still something I continuously battle with, but by becoming aware of it, I’m given the opportunity to decide what I chose to believe about myself.
Have you been selling yourself short lately?
Ps: The attached picture was taken before I blacked out.